It infuriates me to listen to about “gurus” who benefit from others of their most susceptible states throughout their non secular journey. I’m speaking about cults and self-proclaimed saints that put on the sacred garb however go on to assault their victims in any respect ranges – bodily, mentally, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. There are numerous horror tales and documentaries that spotlight this maliciousness. There’s solely a lot I can say about intentional non secular abuse.
However there’s much more that I can provide across the different angle: unintentional non secular abuse.
It’s the type the place the chief or instructor has good intentions of their coronary heart, however their very own traumas or world views get in the way in which of their in any other case noble trigger.
What are examples of unintentional non secular abuse? And the way does it affect us?
I’ll be sharing a private instance as I stroll you thru this text.
I used to be a part of a non secular group that began as deeply enriching, with nice thought-provoking discussions and therapeutic alternatives. Nonetheless, as time progressed and the supplies we studied grew to become extra nuanced, our instructor’s shadow revealed itself.
We started to expertise non secular shaming.
What’s that?
It could take many shapes and types, a few of which can embody judging others for not making extra progress, not meditating extra, not performing spiritually in difficult moments, and so forth. It could additionally seem like mockery or dismissal of 1’s non secular improvement, issues like “is that what your books have taught you?”.
It could grow to be extra grave, justifying sure unethical or uncomfortable actions as part of the educational expertise. In different phrases, gaslighting one’s feelings, pains or issues by utilizing philosophy.
On this group that I participated in, non secular shaming was justified as a method to “overcome the ego”.
It was thought of a software. This didn’t resonate with me. And the longer it occurred, it felt like I used to be being gaslit. I essentially believed that I had the fitting intentions and sooner or later of time would have extra alignment of mind-body-spirit, however that disgrace wasn’t serving to me get there any quicker.
Why is non secular shaming harmful on this non secular journey?
Non secular progress is our inherent nature, so aspiring for extra non secular improvement is pure. However there’s a distinction between aspiring for progress versus shaming ourselves for not being higher.
Let me share an analogy to assist carry the purpose house.
Think about you’re at school with a ultimate examination tomorrow morning. Nonetheless, as an alternative of learning, you keep up late and play video video games or binge-watch a TV Present (I used to be that individual – Gray’s Anatomy was my escape).
Due to your actions, you find yourself failing the examination. In case you mirror in your actions, it will probably encourage you to do higher subsequent time and actually break away from the behaviours that bought in your approach.
Nonetheless, in case your thoughts begins saying issues like “I’m pathetic, I’m a failure, I’m incapable of success”, you begin believing YOU are the issue.
After which, any time sooner or later while you encounter something remotely near your self slacking, you additional spiral into self-deprecation. It’s possible you’ll finally hand over hope that you just’re able to altering or that issues will ever get higher for you.
Do you discover how disempowering and cruel disgrace is?
That is particularly harmful within the non secular context, particularly when it comes from a pacesetter or mentor. As a result of mockingly, on this path of discovering your self, there’s a vicious critic assembly you at each step, taking a jab at your flaws, failures and deeming you by no means adequate. It’s the entire philosophy of “sin” used as a way to guilt-trip us into being higher (however mockingly, by no means with the ability to get there).
Additionally, sadly, generally that critic is our personal thoughts! And we spiral into narratives that it performs out in opposition to us, as soon as once more, rendering us hopeless, unsalvageable, and dejected.
3 suggestions that can assist you get out of a spiritually abusive state of affairs
It took me practically a 12 months to confess how dangerous I felt after every group assembly and that I wasn’t benefitting from the classes anymore.
It took me virtually one other 12 months to muster the braveness to step away. Conflicting ideas engulfed me – I may see my instructor’s noble coronary heart, however the disempowerment was additionally undeniably painful. And each time I had considered leaving, I questioned if I used to be simply being weak or “too delicate”.
I additionally felt fairly misplaced, not absolutely connecting with the strategy but additionally unable to know why not.
Tip #1 – It’s okay to really feel misplaced.
I’m grateful that I in the end gained entry to different sources, lecturers and instruments that allowed me to lastly come to phrases with understanding what felt extra true.
In case you’re conflicted and experiencing non secular gaslighting, my advice is to offer your self permission to discover different avenues and colleges of thought.
I can’t even start to recount what number of readers and purchasers have felt dangerous for not trusting their spiritual establishment or for “questioning” God. And but, generally, that’s precisely what we have to do to assist us perceive that what’s occurring is NOT regular.
For inspiration, you possibly can hearken to this podcast episode, the place my good friend and coach Sonia Guzman shares her courageous story of abandoning an abusive marriage that used faith to “tame” her.
I’ve additionally shared some extra encouragement round this matter within the following Instagram reel:
Tip #2 – Non secular philosophy has a time and place, and is normally NOT meant for use as the primary selection for therapeutic.
The instruments and sources I started studying outdoors the group helped me perceive one thing very clearly: spirituality just isn’t meant to dismiss our ache.
Whereas prayer, meditating and studying non secular scriptures are nice strategies to return out of the inner enemy (defeated thoughts), a lot of the instances, they alone aren’t sufficient to combat the exterior enemy.
You can’t override your organic wants for security, connection and emotional well-being to be “non secular”.
If listening to concepts about karma, detachment, soul contracts, and so forth make you’re feeling worse, chances are high, you’re experiencing non secular bypassing.
So the subsequent time you cringe or really feel worse, ask your self, what a part of me wants consideration first?
Bodily, psychological or emotional?
When you attend to these, you can also make extra sense of the non secular context.
In different phrases, let’s cease making an attempt to be taught extra “bookish”, idealistic teachings as a approach to deal with life’s challenges. As an alternative, I might invite you to deal with including different forms of modalities to your toolkit that provide help to construct psychological and emotional power first, similar to somatic work, components work and nervous system regulation.
Tip #3 – Use self-compassion to rebuild confidence.
Certain, we are able to all meditate extra, however what if we requested ourselves why we haven’t been capable of? A lens of self-compassion might result in insights similar to:
I really feel floaty/spaced out and that scares me.
Or, vivid scenes of my childhood trauma resurface and I don’t know cope with them.
And even one thing so simple as – meditating isn’t my jam.
Are you able to see how self-compassion helps us perceive our resistance/hiccups higher, versus banishing them at face worth?
On this approach, we get to work to remove among the obstacles and create new approaches, instruments and frameworks to assist ourselves bridge any non secular plateau that we could also be experiencing. Versus getting self-critical or believing what others say about us not being non secular sufficient.
Let’s do not forget that all the pieces we be taught or hear about on this journey simply will get to be a software — it both propels us ahead or redirects us in direction of the subsequent factor that’s most likely extra aligned.
Now, let’s discuss giving your self grace as you be taught to heal your relationship with spirituality after having non secular abuse inflicted on you.
4 methods to cope with aftermath of non secular abuse
After I lastly stepped away from the group, I felt battered. My thoughts went into self-preservation mode. For months, I put a whole cease to any form of non secular content material or focus.
This was necessary, as a result of I had been repeatedly advised that I wasn’t doing sufficient for my journey, and if something, I used to be burned out from at all times being in a contemplative, introspective state.
NOT doing something was therapeutic. NOT making an attempt to be higher was nourishing.
Tip #1 – Don’t fear about leaping into one other program, podcast or ebook.
That’s typically a trauma response – making an attempt to repair ourselves as an alternative of recognizing we weren’t the issue. At different instances, we might really feel compelled as a result of we worry we’ll miss out or “waste valuable time”. That’s removed from the reality.
Give your thoughts house to get better. if something, go be extra human! Do issues that carry you pleasure and don’t require one thing to be achieved, apart from the only goal of getting enjoyable.
Curiously, this was the time I gravitated as distant from therapeutic as I may, solely to search out myself therapeutic in different methods. I began gardening that 12 months – and one way or the other, nature healed me. I additionally began enjoying chess, which grew to become a more healthy pastime for me than making an attempt to get dopamine hits from fixed breakthroughs.
All of this helped me see, many months later, that my non secular journey was mine – it was my option to stroll the trail consciously or to easily let life information me by it after I didn’t wish to actively interact.
It additionally helped me recognize one thing: you couldn’t take true spirituality out of me. These seemingly human moments the place I used to be engaged in mundane issues, have been additionally moments the place I linked with myself extra deeply than ever.
Nobody software may outline my journey. I used to be the means and ends to my journey, not the practices, nor the books or lecturers.
Tip #2 – Contemplate getting skilled help to cope with the trauma of this expertise.
No matter be your expertise: feeling clouded by disgrace, infuriated by the abuse, gaslit and under-confident, depressed or one thing else – please think about skilled remedy in case you have the means and want to transfer on from the emotional harm. Even when not with a therapist, possibly there’s a trusted liked one that you would be able to lean on. Simply make sure that they help you and don’t additional gasoline your ache.
I shared my expertise again and again with a few of my shut pals – they started to validate that I wasn’t loopy for “quitting”. This was a poisonous atmosphere that had taken a toll on how I checked out myself and my journey.
It took me an extended, very long time from that time to get again into meditation. And that occurred because of a extra trauma-informed mentor who confirmed up when my thoughts and physique have been actually prepared for it. This time, it felt like a breath of contemporary air, as I navigated my psychological panorama in no matter approach felt natural to me, all of the whereas being held with a number of compassion and divinity for moments the place my resistance confirmed up.
Tip #3: Don’t put your mentor on a pedestal.
As I look again on what occurred in that group, I don’t really feel animosity in direction of the instructor or occasions. However I see the significance of testing the waters with whoever you’re employed with subsequent.
Until you’re employed with somebody “enlightened”, you might be certain to fulfill the individual’s shadows.
IMPORTANT: I’ve written among the suggestions on this part with the belief that you could be finally really feel able to resume self-development work in some capability, sooner or later in time. Sadly, for some individuals, non secular abuse can lead to a whole shutdown from their journey.
I’ve full empathy for you, if that’s the place you’re at along with your journey. I simply make these assumptions extra freely as a result of I suppose somebody who has fully shut down the doorways to their non secular journey won’t be studying this text. Finally, should you don’t really feel prepared or have any sense of need to work with another person, I honour that and help your resolution.
Okay, again to the tip I’d like to supply right here. Part of the issue for many of us is that after we give up to our guides, we additionally give up our private energy.
There may be magnificence in trusting a instructor wholeheartedly, however after we meet the instructor’s shadow, it will probably create battle.
Having discernment is necessary – when one thing doesn’t really feel proper to you, please enable your self to hearken to that feeling. We are able to work out the “why” later – however within the second, it’s necessary to create boundaries and house so that you can not tackle one thing which may be probably detrimental sooner or later.
It’s additionally necessary to see that our mentors and guides are very a lot human and evolving together with us. I do know as a matter of reality how a lot I’ve developed in my considering over the previous decade: I’ve needed to take down a whole bunch (critically, a whole bunch) of my outdated Instagram posts and rewrite dozens of articles on my web site as a result of the concepts I shared have been now not in alignment.
Tip #4: Work with somebody that’s open to suggestions.
A information’s position isn’t simply to show you what they know – it’s to show you in a approach that you can be taught greatest. And we’ve already talked about how they’re a piece in progress too – so it’s necessary for that humility to be part of their work with us. We’re simply as a lot their mirrors, as them ours.
So should you’re not resonating with one thing, discover how your information reacts to that while you share. Do they honour your boundaries? Are they prepared to adapt a distinct strategy? Do they transfer at your tempo and permit your nervous system to really feel protected of their presence?
These are all necessary questions to hold with you onto the subsequent leg of your journey, after you’ve taken a number of time to heal from and provides your self house from the previous.
I share some extra methods to “check” if somebody is the fitting match in your therapeutic journey, within the following Instagram reel:
Concluding Ideas
Non secular abuse is likely one of the many darkish sides of this non secular journey. It misguides us, breaks our psychological confidence, and might throw us off the trail altogether. I’ve met individuals at totally different phases of their journey of recovering from non secular abuse. And what brings me hope is my very own evolution from it. The truth that I can write about all this immediately with out feeling triggered makes me smile.
In case you’ve skilled any diploma of non secular shaming, please know that my coronary heart aches in your therapeutic. You aren’t alone and this was not okay to have occurred to you. If at any level you search an expert help system, please know that I’m right here and in your service.
Vasundhra is the Founder & Author of My Non secular Shenanigans. After seeing 11:11 on the clock one fateful night time, her life circled. Ever since, she has been mixing trendy psychology and historical spirituality, to assist herself and folks around the globe elevate the standard of their lives.
Able to take your therapeutic deeper? Join her for self-paced lessons bundle and/or for customized 1:1 teaching.
