I waved goodbye to my dad and mom as they pulled their minivan out of my dorm car parking zone. Nervous but excited, I launched into the chapter of life known as faculty. I used to be in a brand new area — all by myself. Although the educational problem I might encounter felt daunting sufficient, my greatest concern was being alone. I puzzled how I might make mates.
After all, I knew faculty wasn’t nearly friendships. A broadened expertise, a realized thoughts, and a chunk of paper on the opposite facet of 4 (or extra) years motivated me to attend a college within the first place. However the mates I might make turned out simply as vital because the assessments I might take.
Not the most effective influences
After I transferred colleges my second yr, I made mates carelessly, and I skilled the fallout. As a result of I didn’t wish to be alone, it was straightforward for me to latch on to individuals with out severely analyzing their values. However a pair months into the primary semester, I used to be struck by how typically the individuals in my group ridiculed one another. Though we have been presumably good Christians, we have been shamefully swift to humiliate each other — we all the time needed to outdo the final man’s remark (normally an insult). Sarcastically mentioning every others’ flaws, we’d satisfaction ourselves every time we regarded higher than another person (the Lakers don’t play soccer, fool!).
However the worst a part of all was that I used to be simply as responsible as the remainder. I turned the very factor I resented within the guys and women I frolicked with — and I didn’t like who I used to be turning into.
That’s once I started to know the results of ignoring the Proverbial warning to be cautious of the chums we select: “A righteous man is cautious in friendship, however the way in which of the depraved leads them astray” (Proverbs 12:26). By hanging out with individuals who valued their picture greater than God’s requirements, I started to “study” their methods, mock others, and get “ensnared” (Proverbs 22:25).
However what was I to do if these college students have been instructing me to be extra involved about my ego than the wellbeing of others? Ought to I neglect about friendship altogether and lock myself within the library? Solomon didn’t say {that a} righteous man is friendless; he mentioned he’s “cautious” in his selection of companions. I wanted to be educated in God’s faculty of friendship.
Being a part of a gaggle isn’t important
The primary lesson I realized was that being a part of a gaggle isn’t important. Although I used to be lured by peer acceptance, being a part of a gaggle proved disappointing — in my case, damaging: “A person of many companions might come to destroy, however there’s a good friend who sticks nearer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24).
However is it so dangerous to have numerous mates who stick nearer than a brother? Possibly not, in the event that they’re actually that shut, however genuine friendship can hardly ever be developed and maintained in a number of relationships. Solely with time can a real companion be discovered.
With that exhortation in thoughts, I started to separate myself from the group and, as a substitute, invested most of my time in solely a pair friendships. I significantly linked with a man named Mark and may solely attribute his presence in my life to God’s grace (which attests to the significance of praying about potential friendships).
The extra we frolicked, the extra I noticed his character. And despite the fact that we as soon as had a spat within the cafeteria (over one thing neither of us can bear in mind), our friendship had grown deep sufficient to beat that foolish incident.
So what made Mark completely different from the others?
He was sincere, weak and reliable. Not solely did he naked his soul and share his struggles, however I might belief him sufficient to uncover my very own hopes, fears, and sins. And I might settle for his “[w]ounds from a good friend” — his recommendation in opposition to poor choices and strategies about my religious stroll — which helped me develop and keep on a straight path (Proverbs 27:6).
Mark wasn’t fickle both (Proverbs 17:17). I might rely on him to be there once I wanted him — just like the time he discovered me dehydrated from the abdomen flu, groaning on the lavatory flooring of our house at 2 a.m. and drove me to the ER in a blizzard.
Whereas I first befriended a gaggle of people that thrived off of humor at others’ expense, Mark was looking for to know Christ and reside for Him. We will’t assist however be formed by the individuals round us, and the affect of a companion who was pursuing holiness and knowledge might solely reap good advantages in my life. No, he wasn’t excellent, however he was rising in knowledge, and I used to be “[walking] with the clever” that I’d develop clever as effectively (Proverbs 13:20a).
Iron-sharpening mates
However this development isn’t all the time straightforward. Proverbs 27:17 describes it this manner: “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens one other.” Iron in opposition to iron means steel is being chipped away. What’s left is being refined for effectiveness — however that actually isn’t all the time painless or enjoyable. Mark and I had our share of disagreements, typically heated (I used to be exhausted by each day faculty chapel; he was refreshed by it), however our variations helped me query my assumptions and understand that my preconceptions weren’t all the time proper. He opened my eyes to a world outdoors myself and helped me recognize individuals and their distinctions. As we wrestled with life’s points, discovered some solutions, and unearthed new questions, what I found most of all was a devoted good friend who didn’t stagnate my spirit, however stirred the waters of my soul for God.
It’s tempting to conclude that this implies we must always defend and separate ourselves from the heathen. However that’s not the purpose. Now we have to distinguish between a good friend and a companion. Ought to our deepest companions maintain values and beliefs that differ from our religion? Whether or not we understand it or not, our closest companions will mildew us into the individuals we’re turning into, and we have to bear in mind: “Dangerous firm corrupts good character” (I Corinthians 15:33).
So whereas we should embrace Christ’s command to like all individuals, together with our neighbors and enemies (see Luke 10:27 and Matthew 5:44), our companions needs to be people who love the Lord and are reliable, devoted, and clever. That’s why it’s important to decide on fastidiously.
Whether or not you’re getting ready on your first step on campus or on the brink of stroll out together with your diploma, it’s by no means too late to decide on iron-sharpening mates. Don’t accept idiot’s gold when you may have the true factor. You don’t wish to find yourself as an selfish scoffer who can solely be comfortable when another person isn’t.
Copyright 2003 David Barshinger. All rights reserved.
